Browse Professor Quotes

...of course you remember that time Jesus killed Lazarus.
—Cosmas. some PT class
We're gonna go through this material faster than shit goes through a goose!
—infamous Cosmas
These are mice, so you can't squeak up, speak up!
—Prof. Maxson, Psych 220: Learning Trying to get the class to talk while showing slides of mice ... yeah, I thought it was weird, too.
There are three ways to have sex. One, have sex. Two, make love. And three, fucking
—Matt Mutchler - HDFS 273
I went through two bags of popcorn, some oreos, grape juice...& two Coronas, but I got through it!
—Professor Robert Tilton, descbribing having to read an entire discertation in one sitting.
Try looking at this later on, preferably before beer. Don't look at it after beer. After beer...positive, negative, whatever. Brick is falling.
—Professor Cote, Physics 151
You should not delete these correlations. Yes, people do it all the time but then people commit murder too. I am telling you what your mother told you years ago, Just cause people do it it does not make it right!
—Prof Dave Kenny explaining the intricacies of Path analysis
I'll kick your ass so bad that somebody driving a mile away will say, 'wow, that guys ass must've got kicked by Hektor, because nobody else an kick ass like that!'
—Describing Hektor boasting to Patroklus in Homer's Iliad.
As many of you know I commute from Boston to Storrs for work, what would the probability be that I would die in a car crash on the way here? Gee wouldn't that be good irony? Not good in the sense that I'd die but just good irony.
—Andy Baker, Political Science 291V: Political Statistics
Well geez, I thought Tom Selleck having sex with a german shepard was a little weird.
—Professor Breen, Journalism 102 while discussing libel relating to tabloid newspapers
If you're infertile, you're out of luck. But if you're fertile, you can just [snap, snap] breed away.
—Danielle Currier, WS 124
Within 20 pages you have naked people covered in margerine, which is always nice
—Prof. Matthew Sipmson English 113 about the book "The girls of slender means"
If we bring [back] same sex marriages, why not polygamy. Yeeha.
—Professor Mike Besso, Political Science 256, discussing laws that direct lifestyles.
It is like they installed the fucking Bat-phone in this room!
—Instructor: Edmund Zolnik Geog 200 In response to the room's phone that is constantly ringing
The word 'was' makes all of past a constant.
—Professor Abikoff, MATH 121
Why don't you go snort a line of freeze dried Folgers or something?
—Professor Salamone, talking about how people should be alert for a Psych 132 test
Even today, life is irrational. Just look at college. You go to parties...make dates...take a little E...but you're here for an education!
—Professor William Guthrie Sayen, History 101
I remember being taught sex ed by the nun and thinking it was kind of odd. Would you take drivers ed from someone who had never driven a car?
—Prof. Weaver, HDFS 190
It's impossible to survive a woodchuck attack. They go straight for the throat.
—Prof. Jon Alexopolous PLSC 277: Development of Landscapes
The Puritans had this nagging fear that someone, somewhere was having a good time.
—Professor Breen, J102, History of the Press
Even Christ works out at the gym.
—Prof. Bruhn, Arth 251, about Christ's muscular physique in one painting
It's a collapsable hat. (pause) It's a COLLAPSABLE HAT!
—Prof. O'Reilly, explaining the symbolic signifance of a male character's collapsable hat in a movie
Student: I hate Mondays and Tuesdays and Wednesdays..
Riley: ...and Thursdays and Fridays, but at least Saturday it's noon somewhere in the world and you can start drinking.
—David Riley - Harm 245: Harmony III
Does the name Lorena Bobbit mean anything to anyone?
—Prof. Swadlow, psych 132, while discussing nerve regeneration
He got a little excited and came too early
—Tim Campbell, Music Theory TA... explaining why a student modulated before he should have
Greeks, let's just say, basically just screwed anything that was cute.
—Prof. Wheeler of Philosophy 104 discussing the sexuality of Socrates and Callicles
Generation Y, what is that like 'why' with a question mark?
—Professor Kristin Kelly, Pols 204, after asking a student the name of our generation. She thought the student met generation 'why.'
Some of you may be walking across people's lawns, maybe even fertilizing them...
—Professor Sam Schrager, BLAW 275, talking about Spring Weekend
When I saw that book for only $22, guess who pulled out his wallet so fast he almost tore his pants?
—Dr. John Tanaka, CHEM 215
Spring Weekend? Isn't that where they riot and burn things??
—Professor Accorsi for CE 234; We had asked him as a class to reschedule an exam since it fell on Spring Weekend.
You can really see the symbolism of the tiger and and the dragon in [Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon], although not so much the dragon because it's hidden.
—Professor Wang, HIST 106
It's a very blood-rich area down there... which is why it feels good, ya know?
—Lara Mayeux, Psychology 236
Do you understand this? Good. Now before we go on, let me prove to you that you don't understand at all.
—Prof. William Bailey, Chem 243
The dark side of the moon is where the sun don't shine.
—Professor Petterson, Physics 155Q: Intro to Astronomy
Imagine you're in a parking garage alone at night and five guys come up to you and ask, 'Hey, you got five bucks?' You could say, 'No, but I have a .38.'
—Wheeler, Phil 104 gun control lecture
They should really outlaw alcohol instead of weed... I mean if you think about it... if you drive drunk you will probably hit a tree driving 80 mph... at least with weed you'll spend 10 minutes sitting there trying to figure out how to start the damn car...
—Professor Thomas Cooke, GEOG 130, after talking about the Red Light District, he went off on a tangent about weed...
Student: You have an abrasive personality.
Craig Albert: Fuck that, I'm not abrasive!
—Craig Albert; POLS 296: Ethnic Conflict
I am talking about retarded fetuses right now...Retuses.
—Craig Albert; POLS 296: Ethnic Conflict
Lenin's long dead, but otherwise he'd be upset with us.
—Prof. Pressman, after the class forgot to mention Capitalism
I decided to give you a curve because I have pushed you pretty hard this semester and I didn't want a student to show up at my office door with a gun!
—Kumar Mehta, OPIM 222
Do you know what the strongest muscle in the body is?....It's the uterus, and men don't have those!
—Professor Akeia Benard, Anthro 220
During the OJ trial, all the caucasians say he's guilty.
All the black people say he's innocent. We Asians, well, we don't give a s***.
—Dr. Henry Lee, Visiting Lecturer on Forensic Science
I don't care, just call me douchbag.
—Jeff Roberts, English 205 - British Lit, introducing himself to the class.
Do not use 'yeah.' Yeah is a word that comes from the anus.
—Professor Pickering, English 216
(As a cell phone rings in class) That reminds me, turn your God damn cell phones off . . . unless you are a drug dealer and need it for your business.
—Professor Sanders, Soci 219: Drugs and Society
If there were groups that thought that virgin sacrifice was a good thing...it helps the economy...'I just want to chuck virgins into volcanoes.'
—Mike Besso, Political Science 256, discussing government regulation or religious practices.
What about gay polygamus marriages? What if the entire football team wanted to get married?
—Professor Bloomfield Phil 104 on Ethics
They run around in Renaissance costumes saying thou and thy--you can't get me that drunk.
—Professor Roberts, English 205 British Literature
Son, don't you understand that your titties are going to end up down at your navel someday?
—Professor Pickering's first ENGL 216, The Short Story, lecture
Imagine a naked freaking Viking running up to you hopped up on drugs...that'd be pretty scary.
—Prof. John Salamone, Psych 259: Drugs and Behavior
The devil is probably very witty... probably very fun at parties.
—Professor Kupperman, Philosophy 106: Non-western/Comparative
Sensitive educators are supposed to grade in purple...I've got red. If anyone has any problems, I've got blue. I can be sensitive like anyone else.
—Professor Frank Goetz, Political Science 251, discussing his paper grading process.
Nelson Mandela was a commie bastard
—Romulus Maier, POLS 121
My new thing is to mock people with the i-pod on. Like, I'll say (shaking head and tugging on shirt) that is not a good sweater. That is baaaaaaddddd. SO. Take the damn i-pods out of your ears, and listen to the voices of the dead.
—David Michael Jones -English 111
... Yes!! I lied to you!! You really shouldn't trust me - I lie to you guys all the time.
—Professor Michel, CSE 233: Programming Languages
Yes and there is orgy *class and professor burst into laughter* he was trying to describe the alternates to .com
—Mukul Gupta, OPIM 203c
Which one of you wants to die young? I'm about to hypothetically kill one of you.
—Matt Mutchler, HDFS 273...making an example of two (frightened) students
If you can't find any other way to beat him, find him in bed with a donkey.
—Professor John Bantell POLS 173, on scandal as a way to defeat an incumbent
There's no surprise that shit is really bad to eat.
—Professor Bloomfield, Philosophy 104 honors
Hello, Paul's Pizza
—Professor Dalmolin when answering the phone in the classroom
You win if you get head.
—A statistics TA with BAD english trying to explain a heads/tails coin toss probability problem.
It's like when your girlfriend comes over and you hide the porn under the couch
- in reference to cheating on your homework.
—Professor Bing Wang ECE 220
I think that's how you spell siege *writes seige on the board*...'i' before 'e' except after 's'...
—Professor Andrew Pieper, Political Science 241, spelling siege and mixing up the 'c' rule.
What about the guy getting off on his Reeboks? Wouldn't that be abnormal?
—Prof. Brett Steinberg, Psych 135, on people who are sexually aroused by shoes
The kings men are ready and want to have a cunt...oh no.... I'm so embarrassed.
—Prof Roberts, ENGL 205 Brit Lit
Yeah, I plugged it in 4 times, isn't that a slick trick?
—Tom Bella Math 107Q explaining data fitting using guess and check
This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life.
—Unidentified Prof. on the phone, in the library.
If you're going to go shrooming, you better know what you're doing.
—Professor Coe, Biology 108
Criticizing plagiarism in the Renaissance is like giving out speeding tickets at the Indy 500.
—Professor Greg Semenza, English 329: Milton
Thats a heavy son-of-a-biscuit
—Professor Steinen - Geology 102 Speaking in relation to a heavy rock
There's a very good whiskey called Wild Turkey. Very good. You can drink alot without throwing up.
—Professor Breen, Journalism 102
And here's a cat humping another cat - or is that a chicken? Yeah, that's a cat humping a chicken.
—Doctor Miller, Psychology 132: Intro to Psych, presenting a series of photos showing the effects of damaging certain parts of the brain
Its a good thing Tiny Tim's name wasn't dick.
—Professor Manning English 230 Shakespeare
Being observed is like... being videotaped while having sex.
—Prof. Ronald Squibbs, MUS 146, after having an observation conducted in his class
The freshman 15 is nothing compared to what my wife put on when she went back to college at age forty-nine.
—Professor Carstensen, Econ 112
Haven't you ever looked at your rear end? It's quite a sight - you should check it out sometime!
—Professor Skip Lowe, Psych 135, talking about children's curiosity
I dont even want to imagine the level of geekdom that you've reached
—Professor Yalov, Poli Sci 173, talking about the 3 students in the lecture that signed up for a Friday 8 a.m. discussion.
Bush is a great guy. He's really cute.
—Prof. Bontly, Philosophy 101, explaining reasons people make dicisions
You're either a whore or a virgin.
—Professor Korchmaros, PYSCH 240. Descibing an experiment involing women's attitudes toward sex
In a sense, sex between Adam and Eve is masturbation.
—Professor Greg Semenza, English 329: Milton
Has anyone ever played with an Erector's Set?...has a little sexual...Oh never mind, it's not about viagra.
—Professor Breen, Journalism 102
You may not know a damn thing about economics, but I bet y'all know a whole lot about beer.
—Prof. Johnson, ECON111
Jesus Christ! Will you guys just shut the f*ck up... I mean really what's wrong with you!
—Prof Taigen after some people in the back of the room wouldn't shut up
Most people don't have family trees; they have family weeds. If they had a tree they would only get about two feet up before they'd fall off and bust they asses.
—- Professor Pickering, English 216
It's cold vodka--it's the only way I make it to Wednesday.
—Professor Roger Celestin, French 171, standing in front of the class opening up his water bottle.
There is a differenece between projection and non-projection.
—Dr. Renshaw, Music 107: Wind Ensemble
I gotta pay these idiots 30 dollars everytime they put a ticket on my car
—Prof. Marty Laubach Socioloy 107, while talking about Uconn parking police
Oh, Jewel? I haven't read any of her poetry, but I like her teeth.
—TA Randy Laist, Poetry 210, when a girl in class read a poem by Jewel
We are using cockroaches with 6 legs, be careful, this is not supposed to be the Special Olympics
—TA Warren Brooks, about racing cockroaches in BIO 102 lab:
I never understood pornography. Why do you want to watch other people have sex? It's like watching someone else count their money.
—Professor Reynolds, American Literature 271
So if you have $100,000 worth of Coke, what are you going to do?...Sell it!
—Neraj Gupta, talking about shares of Coke stock
I'm a cracker here in Georgia
—Prof. Sam Schrager discussing discrimination and the Civil Rights Act
Those things can pack the soil so well, an ingen tracker(indian tracker)wouldn't be able to follow your footsteps. -explanation about how well vibrating rollers can pack dirt.
—Prof. Demars CE240 Soil Mechanics
Susan drinks and smokes the pot
—Professor Tabor, Psychology, reading an example sentence he miswrote on the board in class.
Apparently none of you have been Republican Senators lately.
—Andrew Pieper in POLS 173 when the class wouldn't answer a question about filibusters
[On the internet] a thing can pop up that says 'Are you 18?' Boom, boom...a horse...
—Jon Sandberg, Journalism 220, on the availability of pornography on the internet and our changing views of obsenity.
I'm leaving, and I'm taking the electrons with me!
—Dr. Amy Howell, CHEM 243 describing halogenation of alkenes.
Now, if I were to see you at the mall, and say, 'Oh, I forgot to mention this in class, would you take out your notebook and write it down,' you'd have every right to tell me to go have sexual intercourse with myself.
—Prof. Clinton Sanders, Sociology 217:Deviant Behavior, in a lecture on the concept of Authority and its boundaries.
A city is like pornography, you know it when you see it.
—Thomas Cooke, Geog 130
You took a women's studies course??!!
—Professor Morales-Ortiz, POLS 121W: Comparative Politics. (Said to a male student who wanted to elaborate a point.)

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